Sometimes I really like to come home after drinking (yea I know its only a Tuesday) and say everything that's on my mind and heart. Mostly because when I lose my inhibitions I like to get as raw and and personal and truthful as I can. Maybe its the only time when I'm really, honestly truthful to myself and/or to others. I dunno but either way, here I am, 11:20 pm on a school night feeling like I need to spill some guts.
My great Aunt Lynn died after a lengthy struggle with cancer yesterday, and I don't know how to feel about it at all. Mostly I don't want to feel anything, as is the reason behind the gin bender that led me here in the first place. I can't say that I was close to Lynn per se, mainly because 5 hours of Iowa farm land is more like an entire continent away, but I know that Lynn and RG have always been cherished and dear family members to me, despite the rare and few and far between occasions we've gotten to celebrate each others company. Despite the physical proximity, the memories I do share with her and her family will be pressed tightly to my chest for the next great amount of time, as I begin to take steps towards figuring out how to cope with such a loss.






Sometimes, despite all the words that seem to come out of my mouth at almost every second of every day to anyone that is around to listen, the ability to articulate myself is lost when I need to be at my most poignant. I have typed, deleted, retyped and re-deleted a million words to express what I'm feeling right now, but they are mere pixels on a web page when compared to the thoughts and emotions that have been weighing on my soul in the last 24 hours.
Death is something that we all experience. Not only at the end of our own timelines, but with timelines that have intertwined with our own. I can't claim to have any kind of insight towards it, I don't. My words fall inadequately short. I just know that it brings about this introspection inside myself that no other event can, leaving me unsettled and grasping for ephemeral answers that disappear like smoke in the wind.