Wednesday, May 27, 2009

late night, i can't sleep post

It's been awhile, what with the frequent use of intoxicants since i moved out here, but tonight I just can't, for the life of me, get to sleep. There is just too much shit running through my mind. It doesn't help that I'm extremely excited for the barca, man u game, and for my tryout for some local soccer club, and even at the possibility of getting a job in the near future. (crossing fingers) With all that being said though, it's other things on my mind that is really getting to me, as is the case.
I can honestly say, that out of the many people I know in this world, I pride myself in being one of the most easy-going, unworriable, un pissoffable, laid back people I can think of. It would take someone a pretty strong effort to get me out of my comfort zone, let alone flustered, let alone mad, let alone upset.
However, there is one thing, that no matter how many times I hear it, no matter how many times or in whatever variation it is manifested, that just seriously bothers the hell out of me. Now I gotta be honest, that before a certain event in my life, I was pretty oblivious to it, and maybe even said it from time to time myself. But after certain events, you just learn that some things aren't acceptable.
The one thing, the one statement, and maybe the only statement, that could be uttered around me that would throw me off like this, would be, when things aren't going someone's way, they offhandedly remark that they want to kill themselves. or they won't to be dead, or they want someone to kill them as a favor, or any variation thereof. Now don't get me wrong, I am not ignorant, nor am I stupid, nor am I oversensitive. I understand that when people say they want to die, or be killed or kill themself it is not an actual statement of suicidal intentions, it is merely a statement that they are in some kind of unfavorable situation where they would rather not be in. I get it.
But what I don't understand, is that, at what point in our short, blip of existence here in this universe, did saying these kind of things become so detached. So impassive. So apathetic. At what point did joking about death become so unconcerning?
Whether you believe in God, Allah, Buddha, Zeus or Apollo or nothing at all, it is a moot point, no matter what you believe in, shouldn't life be held in the highest regard? When you think about it, and really really really think about it, our existence on this earth, in this solar system, in this galaxy, in this universe, is like a grain of sand, to a grain of sand to a grain of sand. We are microscopic, and that is being generous. Our existence is not even noticed in the grand scheme of things. I am not saying these things to scare people, or even to say how bleek life is. On the contrary in fact. My argument is that because our lives our so absolutely tiny and short, we should not be joking about them as if they are a waste product, or a used apple core. We have one life to live, and it is shorter then a motherfucker. For a reference to just how tiny we really are, follow this link to get a pretty solid idea of what we compare to.
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/2706/spaceb.jpg (thanks jordan's gmail status a few weeks back for this one.)
The saddest thing about our puny existence, is that people don't even acknowledge it at all. If you believe in God's creation story, or the big bang, or whatever the hell you believe in, what it all boils down to, is that our existence at all is a huge fucking miracle. I apologize to anyone who is offended by cursing, but I only do this to emphasis just how big of a deal this is. We are lucky. I mean seriously lucky. And yet people go about their daily lives, in their luxury sedans, to their moderately paying, bullshit boring, probably thankless jobs every day, in their empty shell of an existence. And to top that off, they haphazardly throw around comments about death as if their life, or someone else's life, was just another balled up piece of paper, waiting to get tossed into the trash can by a well placed fadeaway while shouting "Kobe!" It makes me sick to my stomach, and unable to sleep at night. Literally, i mean its 2:39 right now as i type this.
What bums me out about it, is that it takes a life altering event for a few 'lucky' people to be waken up out of this pathetic existence. I put 'lucky' in quotations because for my life altering event, it was a very large sacrifice, that I would more then willing change if I had the power to go back.
As most people who are reading this are probably aware, a year ago last January, Pella, and the world received a tragic loss when Taylor Ryan Brummel (TRB as he was affectionately known to me) took his own life. For me, death for any person, of any age, is an absolute tragedy. It is heartbreaking, and something I can never, and hope I will never be able to get over. Animal, or human. But when a life is unexpectedly cut short, by their own hands no less, it is the worst kind of tragedy a human can endure. I was absolutely crushed when I found out the news, and to be honest, still am. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Taylor, and I hope there never is. I will miss him forever.
But the reason I write this, is not so people will show me sympathy, or feel bad for such a gigantic loss. In fact it is quite the opposite. The reason I write this is for people to wake the fuck up. If you have not experienced a death in your family, or circle of friends, then you would not know what I am talking about, and count your blessings. But that is all the more reason for you to read this.
Without death, we can not understand, value, or truly cherish life. It is sad, but true. People carry on meaningless monotonous lives, when never faced with the reality of their mortality. Only until something truly significant, such as a death, can they understand their situation, and be woken up.
Originally this post was only going to be a small chat about how I don't like it that people say such horrible things about death and suicide in vain. It still is. One can never know what someone around you has had to experience when you say such awful things. Suicide or death jokes have never been funny. Nor will they ever. So try and keep that in mind the next time you have to settle for a C+ on your fifteen point accounting quiz, and you're about to say something about how your life is over, and you just want someone to blow your brains out. Fucking deal with it.
The secondary function of this post, as it has somewhat evolved from my original intentions, is that life is fucking tiny, and short, and practically microscopic. But that is all the more reason why we have to treat every single day, of every single life, like it is the only one. With the utmost care, and value, and worth. Because we only get one, and its pretty damn short.

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